This is probably the most vulnerable, transparent and true post I will ever publish. All I knew this week is that I wanted to write about the greatest single thing that has happened to me so far in my life, my engagement to Trevor Kucheran. I don’t even know where to begin, where to end or if I am making any sense at all, but I need to share it!
There was a quote by Helen Keller that came to mind:
Once I knew only darkness and stillness… my life was without past or future… but a little word from the fingers of another fell into my hand that clutched at emptiness, and my heart leaped to the rapture of living.
It wasn’t so long ago that I felt exactly the same way as she did. I felt completely consumed by darkness, with no end in sight, no matter what steps I took or did not take. I was a power hungry business owner, an egotistical shell with an unquenchable thirst for MORE. I kept padding myself with material objects and 16 hour work days to lesson the blow that I was not being true to myself, or anyone else in my life. I felt comfort in the empty dollars that a multi-6 figure income provided me. There were other ‘things’ I used to numb me even further, to a dangerous level of darkness, that I am not proud of. When I saw the first possible glimpse of an escape, I took it, no questions asked. What I ended up doing was isolating even more, toppling my empire, depleting a bulging bank account right down to the last $100 in 12 months (scary!), and being stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Trevor was the man who changed my story and made me remember who I have been all along, but who got a little lost along the way. He came from his fair share of dark days and has overcome more adversity than I could ever imagine. He to was padding himself with superficial emptiness and wondering why it didn’t FEEL any better. Oh the paths when take when we have no inspiration left… they are never the right roads… (to think, because of this I turned my back toward him at first, and almost did not even give him a chance!)
So what happens when you put two people with good intentions, but a little worse for wear together? I could never have imagined anything as great as what our result was. Just like in Helen Keller’s quote, my heart literally ‘lept to the rapture of living’. Could you believe that almost every dark cloud, bad thought, insecurity and harmful self talk vanished overnight? There it was! There was the passion for living I KNEW existed inside me but I could not tap into! There was someone who knew exactly what I needed, without me begging for it, like he could read my every thought. There was a man who drew out and extracted EVERY good intention and great quality I possessed. Never have I felt more loved, more comfortable in my own skin and more excited for each new day I get to spend with him. THIS is what life is meant to feel like! We never take more from each other than we give, and with this nurturing flow between us, the whole world has opened up.
That was just the beginning! Within a few weeks I was back in the positive head space I had not seen for years, banished all bad or destructive habits and literally could not stop smiling for one second of the day. We grew together, opened up to each other like we never had before and started intertwining our dreams. We knew from day one that we were going to be happiest together, and never the other way around. I had almost given up hope that the love people talk about actually existed… and that it was no more true than a children’s fable….I have never been so happy to be wrong.
Last week, Trevor told me to finish all my work in ONE hour. 🙂 He packed up a bag for me, put me in the truck, and off we went! A day later we found ourselves on the breathtaking Vancouver island in the coastal town of Tofino. I have never seen such BEAUTIFUL trees and wildlife in this country before as in Tofino!
He took me on a small hike through a canopy of mossy trees, coming out onto a beach lined with huge rocks and cliffs.
Climbing up about 20 or so feet, overlooking the Pacific Ocean, Trevor got down on one knee. He pulled a white box out of his pocket and with tears in his eyes he asked: “Kashlee, will you marry me?” No one has to guess that through my sobs I shouted: “YES!” The most sure response to any question I have ever been asked.
Humbly, I end this blog with this: If you have ever felt so low that you were completely consumed with darkness, perhaps if you just open your heart a little more, the most wonderful and unexpected love will come rushing in like a wave, taking you to the light. <3